I've mentioned this before, but when we first got together, I told him not to be surprised by some of these friends' words and actions going forward and once again
Besides the fact that trying to fit a slur for gay people into the word "professional" is a) stupid and b) makes no sense, I was a bit surprised that said friend tried to go with the "I didn't mean it" (no really, this fool said, "I was trying to mix the words 'antagonistic' and professional') excuse. Not because I don't expect people to get defensive when they get called out on stuff, but because it was obvious to anyone reading that she was trying to impress Z with her wit, and generally when you do something that the person you like doesn't agree with, you fall all over yourself apologizing to get back in their good graces.
Let the record show that saying "I didn't mean it" when you say something offensive makes you look both weak and foolish. Weak because you won't stand by what you said (so why did you say it?) and foolish because 9 times out of 10, the person speaking had enough metalinguistic knowledge to know the connotations of the word she's using. There's few things people can do to me that will get them cut off for the long-term, but unapologetically acting an ass definitely counts.
What say you, readers? Does it really matter if you meant it when you hurt someone's feelings? Have you ever had someone lash out at you when his/her attempt to impress you backfired? And does it make you feel weird when someone says something offensive when the implication is that you would laugh/appreciate what he said?
**On a lighter note, the first week of school is done, and no school tomorrow for Labor Day (yay!). One thing I love about my kids is that they are so excited about learning--last week I said, "We're going to work on phonics" and they all went, "Yes!". :-)
13 comments:
You can mispeak or mistype, but its best to admit the thoughtlessness instead of adding insult to injury so to speak by defending the boneheaded remark after it has been pointed out to you. This is etiquette 101.
That being said after rading Zecks post on this as well-gotta love social media for making drama possible over long distances-I agree with you about the girl making a tasteless joke to impress someone and then getting upset when she was, rather politely, told how offensive inappropriate she was being.
God this reminds me of situation I had, but it was with a teacher. Did the same thing as Zeck, cant go into it here...did not turn out well, turned into a nightmare in fact.
The thing is, I love how t
SotW,
LOL, agreed with you about social media drama. At least I tried to be kind of vague; he just copied and pasted and called it a day.
You and your teachers, I tell you.
Why is the end of your comment cut off? :-(
Haha, "he just copied and pasted and called it a day" makes me sound so lazy! But my intention was definitely to get insight into the situation, and also to show a concrete example of relatively minor prejudice being defended -- TO THE DEATH! -- instead of quietly acknowledged, apologized for, and then we could have all moved on.
But noooo! People gotta be effing defensive as all hell when they mess up a little until it turns into them messing up a lot.
Oy. Vey.
@ jasmin
My stupid android >_<
But yes I have been unfortunate enough to have some ignorant/prejudiced teachers :(
I was going to say I love how people try to make their biases seem like they're no big deal. No one is perfect but when I mention my faults I don't try to defend or explain them.
When I was younger, like 8-11 I did sometimes use "gay" as a pejorative.
Anyway I was at summer camp and me and a group of kids were saying things like "Thats gay!" "You're so gay!" ect And this counselor said "You shouldn't say that. A lot of people you know might be gay. In fact someone you like a lot is." And we all just kind of shut the hell up and changed the subject because we felt embarrassed. We didn't try to defend what we had been saying or get defensive about being told not to say it. And after that I didn't say it anymore.
Once I got older I spent more time listening and observing rather than assuming and judging. I also read quite a bit, that helped. I was very fortunate to meet some interesting, unique people and hear their stories. They've helped shape my outlook for the better.
@Zek
Oh I wasn't implying anything of the sort. I just got a better context of the situation. I read you and Jasmin's blog, so I just found it helpful :P
@ Zek
Oh oh, okay. Nevermind, you were talking to Jasmin. LOL, My bad.
And does it make you feel weird when someone says something offensive when the implication is that you would laugh/appreciate what he said?
Yes. Every time. I still haven't really come up with a way to respond other than to ignore what the person has said or awkwardly change the subject.
SotW,
Agreed. My reaction to saying something offensive is to feel embarrassed or contrite.
I don't believe in ,"I didn't mean it" when it comes to offensive things. People generally know what they're saying, even if it's subconsciously.
What people should say instead is, "I didn't know I was so ignorant" or "I didn't know you would light a fire under my butt."
I think people are generally afraid to be seen as offensive, or labeled as such. So they'll do anything to prevent being called offensive.
Instead of, you know, spending their time and energy on actually becoming less offensive, or learning what to be offensive/mean/bigoted etc. actually means.
Yes, people say stupid things. Saying a stupid thing, even a bad thing it's not the worst. It's the inability to admit the mistake. That's where people become defensive, because appearing bad (offensive, racist, etc.) is seen as much worse than to actually be those things.
On the other hand, Zek having weird female friends is, I must say... typical in a way. There's a type of guys who attract that sort of people, especially female people.
I guess this sort of guys are always ready to help - which is great, that's what friends are for, but for some reason they end up being used. And I am sad to say there are girls who need attention from male friends; it serve them to build their own confidence and fulfill emotional needs. Without providing the same back.
And not to mention many of these girls actually want their male friends to be attracted to them or to have a crush on them (without being interested in those "nice guys" themselves, ever). That's why they usually run away when said male friend starts dating another girl and falls in love. If he's your true friend, you'd be happy for him. But no. They don't like it.
I have no idea if this your experience, (Jasmin and Zek), but it sure happens a lot where I live.
Alee,
What people should say instead is, "I didn't know I was so ignorant" or "I didn't know you would light a fire under my butt."
Bwah!
Mira,
Re: Your last comment. You hit the nail on the head.
@ Mira
Yes definitely cosign with you.
Sure, I think there are plenty of situations where "I didn't mean it" is true. They were probably just peacocking to get some attention. Not an excuse though - mean what you say and say what you mean, because words have power.
Post a Comment